Haiku

Moments without breath.
You see the inside of me.
Exposed. Complete. Real.

Time in a vacuum.
They are all stolen moments
you say. It’s the truth.

Unexpected Adventures

So I am about to start this fantastic summer. I have always had a sense of adventure at the beginning of the summer. Even just going to the beach or the pool or the country has always been enough to excite me. All the wonderful possibilities are now in front of me. I am so excited to play. This year, I will have the beach and I will have the cabin in the country. But this summer I will have even more....

This summer, I will travel to Poland. I never thought I would ever go to Poland. But here I am, going to visit my dear friend for a week -- in a place where I won't understand a blessed thing. She warns me it might rain all week. Let it rain. I don't care. Let it pour! What matters is that I will be experiencing this new country with my friend. I have this crazy good feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will experience with a fresh eye a country that is filled with layers and layers of her experiences -- childhood, adolescence and adulthood. She will breathe life into what I expect will be lovely, but typical European countryside. I will be the novice now. She will be the one at home. I will be the one in the land that doesn't belong to me. But in the end I will understand her in a way that I could not before. This is not just about exploring this foreign country, but learning about my friend in a way that I never thought I could. I hope her family will like me. I know her mom will. I wish I could talk with her and hear her mom's stories. But that won't really be possible. In any case, we will still play for a week. I can't wait. 44 more days...

Carpe diem.

Standing Up

So, here I finally am. Standing on my own. I've come full circle. I am content and confident in myself. It's a joyous way to be.

I have been afraid all these years to stand up for myself, afraid that by speaking up, I would be insulting, when in fact I needed to be strong for me and for my family.

I was embarrassed to show how much I have accomplished and what I can do. I wanted to be humble. But being humble doesn't mean hiding your abilities. That is stupidity. I let people believe that they were deserving of more than me. That just wasn't so.

I allowed my glow to fade to help boost someone else's fragile ego. I did it to try and support that person, but all that did was give them fuel with which to hurt me and my family. If I had to give people advice, I would tell people to let themselves shine! Don't feel bad that you have a skill or a talent or an ability. You bestow that talent for a reason -- and that is to show it, not to hide it. Don't be afraid of what people will think. Celebrate who you are. If you are criticized for being confident, you should not associate with those being critical.

True friends raise you up -- help you identify what is so special about you. They don't ask you to step down so they can shine. They celebrate with you. They boast about your accomplishments, not belittle them.

I've been fighting this too long. It's actually been years. I don't have to do it anymore. Because I finally told her, "NO! I will not acknowledge you. I will not entertain your foolishness. I do not need you."

And it's a wonderful feeling.

Thank you to my true friend who has been so patient with me through this mess. You raise me up. I hope I can come close in doing the same for you.

New York Love Affair Part 2

So, onward I march through the memories of my great City. Time to stop soul searching for a second and chronicle. All my devoted readers can take a trip back to the 90s...

Times Square

It's time I talked about Times Square, the neighborhood I knew so intimately and that which I still keep a close relationship. I could probably write ten posts about Times Square, but I'll start with this one...

I want to preface this by saying that now, in 2008, I truly don't like walking through Times Square. It is a victim of it's own success -- too crowded and too many tourists. But it wasn't always so.

There was a time when it was actually easy to walk around in Times Square. It was the Times Square of the mid-90s, when few people crowded the streets and we were waving the banner begging people to come and telling them that the neighborhood was "cleaner, safer and brighter!" Cleaner because there were street sweepers picking up the trash that people would drop, safer because the NYPD was doing its darndest to bring crime rates down, and brighter, well brighter because larger streetlights were installed on the "scary" side streets. The theory at the time was that when you fix the small stuff, the larger picture falls into place. (It was the same thinking that helped decrease crime across NYC at that time.) So by picking up the trash, and cleaning up grafitti, helping the homeless come off the street, closing up decrepid shops, and sprucing things up in general, the neighborhood became much more attractive to the investors who would eventually take the neighborhood and turn it on its end to become what it is today. We conducted media event after media event, telling everyone that -- hey, this place is great, isn't it??? And people believed us. It was like a chain reaction -- we told people it was better, people invested and it got better, we told them it was hot, others said it was hot and more people poured money into the area. We end up with the Times Square of today -- fully developed, insanely busy, crowded and everything we wanted it to become 15 years ago. Of course this oversimplifies the regeneration of Times Square.

If you know me, you know that I can take any complex situation and boil it down to it's most simplistic form, because I truly believe that every complex situation can be simplified. I can apply whatever basic formula I've convinced myself of to whatever I am analyzing at the time. So I feel totally comfortable saying that the revitalization of Times Square is a good analogy for revitalizing one's life in general. When you can't point your finger on a single reason for dissatisfaction and unhappiness, it helps when you fix all the little broken things -- one by one. All the little annoyances are suddenly gone and you are left with a simpler, more clear, and somewhat easier life than you had before. Now this presumes that there is not something totally terrible overshadowing a situation. And even when there is something huge causing issue, if all the little things are taken care of, then the impact of that big problem diminishes.

The second grand theory of which Times Square is an example is the fact that when you are a credible voice and you tell people something which seems to be logical and make sense, most people will actually believe it (whether or not it is actually true). When we said the neighborhood was great (and it wasn't quite great yet; it was better but not great), those we told said it was great. Now that's what they mean by buzz...

It's all very simple. And if it isn't that simple, don't tell me.

Videos for Today

Last night. Robert Plant & Alison Krauss at WaMu Theater... Amazing. The whole audience whispering "ah, ha, ah, ha". Mmmm...

It was perfect for my 30s. Here is what was perfect for my teens. The original...



And finally, the Battle of Evermore. Haunting and beautiful...

Spinning the Plate

I've always envisioned my life as a big square plate that balances on a point -- kind of like a circus performer's spinning plate that balances on a stick. On this "plate of life" (for lack of a better term), each of the four corners holds a portion of my life -- my love life, my family life, my friend life and my work life. For me to be comfortable and at peace, the weight on each corner of the plate needs to be evenly distributed -- or almost so. When one or more of those corners gets "overfilled" or "emptied" it makes the other parts of the plate flip up and my life becomes a bit of a mess. Over the past year, my plate has been bouncing around like an obese person's plate at an all-you-can-eat-joint. One minute my plate is full, the next minute it is empty. And when things are not properly balanced, then I have to work so very much harder to keep the plate spinning evenly. Even I, the overly-ambitious overachieving do-it-all, drop the plate once in a while. And damn it, I hate cleaning up the mess!

I'm currently in this atypical pattern of having so much richness in my friend portions, but starving in other portions -- meanwhile my family portion is constantly fluctuating and work, well work is work --there's always a lot of it piled up. I should be totally loving this time surrendering to a beautiful friendship and enjoying these unbelievable connections that I am making for the first time in my life. But after a joyful time with my friend when we can see into each others' soul, I come home and I am empty -- and sad. This is the first time in my adult life that I have been able to admit that I need more than the everyday routine. I have everything I thought I wanted in life -- everything that I expected for myself. The craziest thing is that I don't think all those things are what I ever really needed. I crave more, more, more from life!! And I don't want to feel guilty for wanting more -- needing more than I find behind my own front door. I want to find my bliss, my nirvana, find what I know to be my true self.

Every day, I want to try to do one small thing to satisfy this overwhelming desire I have to find me and become more me. Yet I still hold myself back from exploring this big fantastic world and the people in it. But why should I have to? I am an adult. I only live one life. And then what?? Ten years from now, will I still be in my same place, in my same situation, but bitter instead? No I will not let that happen. I need to be...authentically me.