Ocean Dance

Come with me
to the seaside
Dance with me
on the shore

Under our feet feel the fine grains of sand
formed centuries ago

Our feet touch the sand together and
leave imprints of a dance

Two sets of prints merge together
under, over, circles in the sand
It is no longer clear where your footprints begin and mine end

Follow me into the ocean
Feel the water rush up to meet us
Come, come! Swim in my depths!
I have been waiting for you, she says

Feel the currents pushing and pulling us together
We ride the swells
Each of us jump and turn to face the oncoming waves headfirst
letting the waters rush over us again and again
And when the wave passes you are there, right there, holding my hands
tasting the salt on my lips
the salt of the ocean that has been there for an eternity and will continue to be so

We turn to the shore and watch the waves crashing upon it
The tide rushes up and threatens to change the shoreline as we knew it, altering the landscape

But when the winds die down, and the tide goes low
It is still the same beach, only more beautiful than ever before
Sand smooth again, waiting
ready
for our footprints and
for our dance to continue
making spirals together in the sand

Reflections and Gratitude

Today is the last day of my 30s. Tomorrow I will be 40 and will start my fifth decade. Amazing how fast this all goes. Makes me reflect on my life thus far. Did I do what I thought I would do? What have I created? How have I changed the world? And how have I improved the world? What gifts have I received? Who have I loved? Who has loved me? If today were the last day of my life, what kind of obit would be written about me? What would God say to me at the pearly gates? Maybe he'd say...."She was a good woman. She did her best. She loved as much as she could and moved through fear as best as she could. She tried to bring happiness to all who were part of her life. She lived without regrets. She's done a fine job with her children. Yup, let her in..." Ha!

So, what's different about this birthday than all of my other ones? Well, I if I had to see how I am different, I guess I would have to say that these days I see the world though a slightly different lens....a lens I never really thought much about. And that lens is gratitude.

Living day by day on my normal path has been fine, but now I wake up every single morning and feel a sense of amazing gratitude for all I have been blessed with -- every person, every tangible thing, every experience, every moment I am given on this earth. I am thankful that my children climb on me and hug and kiss me and say "I love you Mommy". I am grateful that I have beautiful, awesome love in my life. I am thankful for family that has been there by my side to support me and for my friends who have listened and held my hand through the hard times. I am grateful that I have very good health -- physical, emotional and spiritual. I am thankful to be able to work from home, working on projects I love and dealing with fascinating people. I am thankful for the things I have that make my life easier and more fun.

I am equally grateful for the tremendous challenges I have been handed...especially these last few years...because I have found that I really do have the courage and the integrity and the will to move through these difficulties and come out nothing less than a better and more complete person.

And most of all I am thankful that I have made the conscious decision to live my life in the most authentic way that I know how. I will leave no stone unturned. I choose to say YES to life and never live with regrets. I will live with love guiding my way. There is no fear that I cannot move through anymore. I hold the keys to my happiness, my success, and everything good in my life, because I make my reality. Knowing that I have that awesome ability right within me makes me stronger and stronger and gives me the ability to love others around me even more....and yes, it makes me even more grateful than I thought possible. The wheel continues to turn....love, challenge, strength, resolve, gratitude, peace...around and around. How wonderful is that?

40s....here I come!!

Sweet Scent of the Night

Sweet scent of the night
You came to me tonight
Intoxicating me with dreams of what could be

I cracked the window
Allowed you in
To drift past my cheeks and through my hair

You battled with the wind
Floated in between
The whipping gust intended to clear my head

And you lingered
And whispered to me
Your promises of flowers and fruit and sun

And you reminded me
Of my hope for tomorrow
Only possible after knowing the heat of yesterday

We hugged the turns
Sped through the dark night
While you became my nighttime confidant

Together for that moment
My silent companion
Dancing with me and making your promises

Now you come to tease
Each night as the earth sleeps.
And still pledge to me your promises of what will be

Sweet, sweet scent of the night

C Squared

Who: Christine and Christy...bff's (long before they actually called them that)
When: Day before 8th Grade graduation from Catholic School
What: Graduation Card
How: Found it while searching through an old musty box....

June 17, 1983
Dear Chickie,
Do you realize that we've been buddies for 4 years? That's such a long time! We've got more years ahead of us I know.
Thanks for everything you've done for me for all these years
I'll never forget 7th grade, watering the plants, and 8th grade!
Please remember me and keep in touch,
Love always,
Love & kisses & bunny hugs
Christy

We were the best of friends. We were so young...only 13...discovering boys, discovering ourselves, being as crazy and daring as 13 year olds could be. The two of us rode together on my old 10-speed bike...fast and uphill and between cars...with one person pedaling and the other sitting on the seat, legs dangling and holding on for dear life. We slept at each others houses, sharing our secrets, baring our souls. We did crafts, put on makeup. We produced plays together (yes, it's true but that's another story). We tried cigarettes. We even smoked tea...yes, Lipton tea...rolled in looseleaf. We were boy crazy together. We were free.

We lost touch in high school...each one of us got wrapped up in our own school lives, busying ourselves with new experiences, new friends. Then came college, then came careers and loves and family ups and downs. There was no argument that separated us...or any major cataclysmic event...we just drifted slowly apart...pulled away from each other by the tides of our own lives. But in my mind, the summer of 1983 was the very best summer EVER! It was my most happy, my most carefree. And Christy and I shared it together.

I thought about Christy many times over the years. Wondered where she had gone, how she had turned out. I even Googled her a few years ago...but she had changed her name, I recently learned, and searches for her came up almost empty.

Then came Facebook! I searched for her brother, then found her mother, and then I saw her! It had to be her...She changed her name, but it looked like her. It was her! It was really her!

She and her boyfriend were producers of an off off Broadway theatrical production, and I decided to go at the last minute...to it's last performance on the last night. I saw her before she saw me...fiddling with the video camera she was attending to. Tears came immediately to my eyes. I became 13 again...and THERE was my best friend! When she saw me tears came to hers as well.

It turns out that both of us had searched for each other and come up empty over the years. But it didn't matter. It was 26 years later, and it was still us. And if I must say so myself, we look pretty darn good.

And Christy is now back in my life. We went to dinner and talked for five hours (to the chagrin of the restaurant I'm sure). And she is still as kind and graceful and loving as she ever was. We welcomed each other back into our lives. She has come back into my life at a time when I couldn't have needed someone more. And I am so, so, so grateful for that.

Fear

Fear is not real. It is fake. It is a lie.

In my opinion, fear is the root of despair. Fear leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to irrational behavior. Irrational behavior leads to bad situations and pain.

Sometimes, fear makes people not act. And sometimes fear makes people act badly. But when fear is in the way, eventually it's the person holding the fear who is damaged the most.

My friend told me fear is this thing...a thing out there that just hovers, a figment of one's imagination. It is created by one's own mind. So if it is a piece of one's imagination, then it can be stricken from one's mind as easily.

Now in some situations fear can protect us...a fear of falling or a fear of crashing or a fear of physically hurting ourselves can force us to wear a seat belt or a helmet or take other precautions so we don't suffer bodily harm.

But this is not the fear I am talking about. I'm talking about the fear that paralyzes us in our daily life. Fear of the unknown. Irrational fears. What's the worst that can happen? The worst is what we fear.

But often, if we can get past the fear and do what we need to do, the reality is different and far less severe. And if we have to deal with the repercussions of scary decisions, well, then so what! We have a choice, live with the pain of being in fear, or live with the result of our actions. One leads us nowhere, and the other could possibly lead to a better outcome.

So if you take fear out of the picture what is left? Only the actual choice of what to do next and the concrete results of those choices. That's all that's left.

Now, every bit of fear that I cast away is replaced by courage -- because courage is also another piece of my imagination that I choose to create. And I'd rather live by courage than by fear.

So now that I spat that all out, am I still afraid? Heck yeah! But decidedly less so.

I Changed My Mind

Well, I’m reading over my last blog entry all about friendship, and I’m realizing that I don’t think I really know what the heck I’m talking about. All this grandiose talk about friends and how to keep them and all that stuff…it’s all B.S. I mean, the ideas are nice, but reality is something else.

The night I wrote it, I was feeling all lovey dovey and just came off of a great event where I spent time with some awesome people. I had also recently made a couple of new friends and was enjoying the glow of that.  

But it’s all B.S., because no matter how I might want to believe this…I cannot predict the actions of other people, how they feel about me or anything else they do. I can only hope that if I put good out there, then good will come back to me. If they want to walk away from me, then what on earth can I do? Nothing.  

So, I revise my statement. Friendship is a crap shoot. You roll your best dice, put a lot of love into the roll….and maybe you’ll come out a winner. And then, maybe not. 

On Friends

Life is just a set of relationships linked together by love and trust. Real friendships are rare, unique. They are to be treasured and nurtured -- taken care of like a special delicate bird held gently in the palm of your hand. Calm care ensures the bird won't fly away. Trust ensures that if it does fly, it will fly back to you.

Time is needed in order to learn about the person you are opening your heart to. When time is not taken, one does not show their true reality. They show the outside, their shell, their public persona -- which is usually very different from the person inside. They may say "what you see is what you get" but it is never that simple. Only time allows you to see the truth. In time, someone's true nature will always be shown -- even if it is an ugly nature. And on the flp side, only time...and patience (of which I generally have so little)...will allow that breath of love travel back and forth between people.

And yes, I mean love - platonic love. People are always afraid to say they love someone else. And people are always afraid to be loved by someone else. But I put it out there. When I find someone worthy of my love and when they receive it with a calm heart, there is no greater joy. I save "like" for those that I see once in a while -- acquaintances, friends over dinners, good co-workers. But loving another human for exactly who they are -- no more and no less -- that is joyful. Truly.

I look back over the last few years. Years where I have met wonderful people, and years where I have been scalded by those I thought were friends. I see who has stuck by me. And it's just a few. But those few are the rare, special birds in my life. The people I seek new friendships with are unique and unusual. They are usually loners and may have overcome many obstacles. Their determination and celebration of life regardless of the situation thrills me and draws me in. If I can bring a sense of happiness and understanding to their life, and if they reciprocate, then I am peaceful.

I have never run with the pack. I have never been comfortable with a big group of "friends." I don't like to compete for attention or affection. I don't judge friends by what others say about them. I want to know someone one on one.

And when they finally unlock a piece of their heart, and offer the key to me, then I am moved. I am grateful and honored. That is like a jewel that has been entrusted to me. And then I am theirs. I will open myself to them. I will trust. I will love. Yes, it is a risk...but as they say, no risk, no reward.

I wish my friends peace tonight and whisper thanks to them for enriching my life.

38 Candles

38 candles
blinking, twinkling
fire hot
burning shorter
time racing by
summing up my life
my life in one moment
how have I gotten to where I am?

big teeth
smiling
make a wish, make a wish
flashes in my face
documenting the moment
the years pass before me
they don't understand
what I wish for

deep breaths
one more
and again
hold the smile
don't let them see
tears streaming down my face
blurring my vision
auras around the candles
hold them back

don't look at me
don't mind me
it's nothing
yes, I'm crying again
just another year
I don't know why
don't mind me

crying on the inside
I don't want to hear them
I don't want to be here
get me out of my body
take me where I want to be
why, five years in a row?
why can't I hold back tears?
I don't know why they even come

awwww…poor baby
what's the matter
it's just another birthday
I scream in my head
it's not just another birthday
you don't understand
I am not who you think I am
and another year has gone by

Breathing and being

So much of my life has been spent these last few months being introspective. Looking at where I am right now, trying to figure out where I'm going and where I want to be. I don't think it's such an unusual subject to think about. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I don't have expectations that I must accomplish something by a certain period of time. There's absolutely nothing I must do right now (aside, of course, from taking daily care of my children and earning a living). There are no specific goals that I'm "supposed" to reach. No house to buy, no car to save for, no children to create, no school to graduate, no exotic trip to plan. Nothing. There's just me. Sitting. Waiting. For something. For the next thing. But I'm a doer. I don't do sit and wait well at all.

So what does a doer like me do? I love to be in control of what is happening around me. I firmly believe that we all create our own destinies by the choices we make in life. I'm all about making choices and taking action.

But what do I do when I cannot do anything? When I must sit still? I was told many times when I was a child that I had "ants in my pants." Had keep moving...keep going...all the time. Keep me busy or I might get in trouble! I'm still like that, only now I have to keep myself busy doing, doing, doing, all the time.

I've been advised to breathe. Breathe. Like in yoga class. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Clear the mind, hear the breath. BE, just be. Now. In the moment. (Oops, Yoga class is over, time to DO again!)

OK, so I've decided to try it. Trying to just be. Letting myself feel the world around me and breathe. Trying to connect with people I want to connect with -- with no expectations but to learn and enjoy those connections. Sending and receiving energy. That's all.

You see, I'm learning that I cannot force myself to feel a certain way -- or make myself take action when I am not ready to take any action. I need hold in the reigns and to just observe right now. Observe whether I am out of breath, searching for breath or filled with air -- and what I am doing when I'm feeling each of those ways. Observe the energy I'm feeling when I am with people or learning about people. Am I feeling the chi? Or is there just vacant space?

I'm realizing that I like this side of me. The calm, contemplative and confident me. I like breathing and feeling and knowing what my heart is feeling. No pressure. No expectations. Just breathing and being...

Starstruck

The month of August has begun. Second half of the summer.

Last night I had an awesome experience. It was my concert event of the summer. Brandi Carlile in Lowell Massachusetts. I bought these tickets five months ago. There was eight hours of driving round trip. Three states. More than a tank of gas. Was it worth it? Oh my god. It was. (She's the artist that you click on the left side of my blog.)

I thought I would come to my blog and be able to write easily about this overwhelming experience. How I had two timeless hours, suspended by this woman's voice. But I couldn't seem to find the words I wanted to say. There are really no words for what I felt last night. Yes, I started to cry when she started singing (a la Beatles stepping off the plane, or a la little girl crying for Sanjaya). My friend and I talked about why is it seemingly socially unacceptable to be over 30 and to be a huge fan of a musician -- the type of fan who would cry like that. Why am I embarrassed to talk about the fact that I totally relate to this musician and that her music rocks me to the core? Yes, it seems a lot like the feelings of an adolescent. Maybe that's exactly it. Maybe I feel like an adolescent, because when I listen to her music, it takes me to somewhere I haven't been in a long, long time. It takes be back to a time when everything was easy and innocent. When you were supposed to be startstuck. But it's more than being starstruck, I think. I couldn't possibly have had this emotional connection to her music when I was a teenager. Then it was all about rock-n-roll and zebra striped spandex pants and big hair and not about songs that make my throat choke up and make my heart feel like it is about to jump out of my chest. And that happens because I am now mature enough to take the words of her songs to heart and to truly appreciate the strength of her voice and her ability to create beauty and to move people to cry like I do. I cry because I have lived a lot these last few years and now the words have the meaning that was intended. Isn't that the whole point?

At the end I almost died and went to heaven. The last announcement of the night was that Brandi was going to be signing autographs and meeting her fans after the show. I got on the long line, and didn't mind that it took forever to meet her, because she was graciously talking with her fans. (How many times have I made fun of people who wait in these long lines to meet stars?) Anyway, I met her and told her how my son and I sing her songs together, how her music has moved me and how I traveled so far to see her. She told me -- Come down to New York City on Wednesday...I'm going to be playing there at an event! I almost passed out. I was like YES, YES!!! And then, I realized no, no, no. I will be on a plane to Europe at the exact moment of that event. I have to admit, I am a little crushed. But hey, this is not supposed to be part of my real life, right? But it is.

I suppose this all will pass and I will look back and laugh at this little return to adolescence. I'll laugh at myself for standing in line to talk to my idol for a minute and for crying like a baby when the music started. Oh, but I will never forget the first of August.

Mouse on My Mind

July's word of the month: Mouse. Yes, mouse. I cannot escape the mouse anywhere I go.

During the day, he's hiding behind the door, waiting for me to turn the corner and leave him alone with that one little crust of bread. During the night, I know the mouse is there, snooping around, leaving his droppings in my toaster tray. He snubs me. He proves to me that I can't control him and I can't escape him. A drip of pancake batter forgotten on the stove -- it's his! A lone crumb -- his! The dog's bowl with delicious clean water -- his! After a week away, he leaves proof that he's been sitting on my bed, perhaps watching the country day go by, probably sipping iced tea or playing cards. How many tufts of steel wool can I stuff in the cracks? Or globs of expandable foam? He still gets in! I've seen him. He's a peculiar dark color and fast. OK, I know we're sharing a 60 year old country cabin that has been crooked for longer than it was straight. Maybe it's really his house, and he's perturbed that we're there now and we're not getting out! But my nemesis' time is about up. The trap is coming out next week. A little peanut butter, strategic placement, and snap!!!

During the week, it's the other mouse that is controlling my life. The giant mouse. The one I'm basing my future business on -- the one indomitable Mickey Mouse. How much can one possibly learn about visiting the mouse and the myriad of packages and up-sells available to enjoy the mouse? The list goes on and on. I got my graduation ears -- yes, ears! But unlike the other mouse, I love this one. This one is going to help seal my future.

So, I will let the mice continue to preoccupy me for now. At least they're not rats!

Friend? No thanks.

I've been thinking about something that happened to me a few months ago. I reunited with a friend I hadn't seen in quite a while. We were fairly good acquaintances -- not best friends by any means -- but we had quite a bit in common and had known each other and kept in touch for almost eight years.

Anyway, we went out a few times -- and it got more frequent over the past year. We had some amazing conversations about business, life, friendship and love. I had some serious and honest discussions with her. She gave me great feedback and shared much of herself as well. I thought a good friendship was in the making. She seemed to offer me her friendship wholeheartedly -- suggesting we get together for some fun activities, meals, whatever. It all seemed very simple and a nice thing. So, I followed up our last meeting with an e-mail telling her how I enjoyed our blossoming friendship.

The response? Nothing. Not an e-mail. Not a call. Absolutely nothing. (As you read this, you can think of tumbleweeds and whistling winds.) It's been about four months and I still haven't heard a word.

Now, what exactly happened? Did I do something wrong? Did the friendship move too fast? Was I too honest? Did I offer too much of myself? I can't think of anything else. In fact, she was the one making all kinds of suggestions for future activities. Or did she back off for some reason? Was I too much to handle? It was only a simple friendship, for goodness sake!

So, I'm disappointed and maybe a little pissed. But I'm really more confused than anything else. Is this what people do in general? Is it normal for people to do that -- get all close and friendly and then run away? Wasn't my offer of friendship of value to her? I'm actually glad I didn't have the opportunity to get any closer to her. If I would have, then I would have been really disappointed being dropped like that.

I refuse to chase after people, so I may never know what really happened and why she felt my friendship wasn't very valuable.

How on earth can people develop simple friendships if they are going to be dragged along and then ignored? Whatever...

Haiku

Moments without breath.
You see the inside of me.
Exposed. Complete. Real.

Time in a vacuum.
They are all stolen moments
you say. It’s the truth.

Unexpected Adventures

So I am about to start this fantastic summer. I have always had a sense of adventure at the beginning of the summer. Even just going to the beach or the pool or the country has always been enough to excite me. All the wonderful possibilities are now in front of me. I am so excited to play. This year, I will have the beach and I will have the cabin in the country. But this summer I will have even more....

This summer, I will travel to Poland. I never thought I would ever go to Poland. But here I am, going to visit my dear friend for a week -- in a place where I won't understand a blessed thing. She warns me it might rain all week. Let it rain. I don't care. Let it pour! What matters is that I will be experiencing this new country with my friend. I have this crazy good feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will experience with a fresh eye a country that is filled with layers and layers of her experiences -- childhood, adolescence and adulthood. She will breathe life into what I expect will be lovely, but typical European countryside. I will be the novice now. She will be the one at home. I will be the one in the land that doesn't belong to me. But in the end I will understand her in a way that I could not before. This is not just about exploring this foreign country, but learning about my friend in a way that I never thought I could. I hope her family will like me. I know her mom will. I wish I could talk with her and hear her mom's stories. But that won't really be possible. In any case, we will still play for a week. I can't wait. 44 more days...

Carpe diem.

Standing Up

So, here I finally am. Standing on my own. I've come full circle. I am content and confident in myself. It's a joyous way to be.

I have been afraid all these years to stand up for myself, afraid that by speaking up, I would be insulting, when in fact I needed to be strong for me and for my family.

I was embarrassed to show how much I have accomplished and what I can do. I wanted to be humble. But being humble doesn't mean hiding your abilities. That is stupidity. I let people believe that they were deserving of more than me. That just wasn't so.

I allowed my glow to fade to help boost someone else's fragile ego. I did it to try and support that person, but all that did was give them fuel with which to hurt me and my family. If I had to give people advice, I would tell people to let themselves shine! Don't feel bad that you have a skill or a talent or an ability. You bestow that talent for a reason -- and that is to show it, not to hide it. Don't be afraid of what people will think. Celebrate who you are. If you are criticized for being confident, you should not associate with those being critical.

True friends raise you up -- help you identify what is so special about you. They don't ask you to step down so they can shine. They celebrate with you. They boast about your accomplishments, not belittle them.

I've been fighting this too long. It's actually been years. I don't have to do it anymore. Because I finally told her, "NO! I will not acknowledge you. I will not entertain your foolishness. I do not need you."

And it's a wonderful feeling.

Thank you to my true friend who has been so patient with me through this mess. You raise me up. I hope I can come close in doing the same for you.

New York Love Affair Part 2

So, onward I march through the memories of my great City. Time to stop soul searching for a second and chronicle. All my devoted readers can take a trip back to the 90s...

Times Square

It's time I talked about Times Square, the neighborhood I knew so intimately and that which I still keep a close relationship. I could probably write ten posts about Times Square, but I'll start with this one...

I want to preface this by saying that now, in 2008, I truly don't like walking through Times Square. It is a victim of it's own success -- too crowded and too many tourists. But it wasn't always so.

There was a time when it was actually easy to walk around in Times Square. It was the Times Square of the mid-90s, when few people crowded the streets and we were waving the banner begging people to come and telling them that the neighborhood was "cleaner, safer and brighter!" Cleaner because there were street sweepers picking up the trash that people would drop, safer because the NYPD was doing its darndest to bring crime rates down, and brighter, well brighter because larger streetlights were installed on the "scary" side streets. The theory at the time was that when you fix the small stuff, the larger picture falls into place. (It was the same thinking that helped decrease crime across NYC at that time.) So by picking up the trash, and cleaning up grafitti, helping the homeless come off the street, closing up decrepid shops, and sprucing things up in general, the neighborhood became much more attractive to the investors who would eventually take the neighborhood and turn it on its end to become what it is today. We conducted media event after media event, telling everyone that -- hey, this place is great, isn't it??? And people believed us. It was like a chain reaction -- we told people it was better, people invested and it got better, we told them it was hot, others said it was hot and more people poured money into the area. We end up with the Times Square of today -- fully developed, insanely busy, crowded and everything we wanted it to become 15 years ago. Of course this oversimplifies the regeneration of Times Square.

If you know me, you know that I can take any complex situation and boil it down to it's most simplistic form, because I truly believe that every complex situation can be simplified. I can apply whatever basic formula I've convinced myself of to whatever I am analyzing at the time. So I feel totally comfortable saying that the revitalization of Times Square is a good analogy for revitalizing one's life in general. When you can't point your finger on a single reason for dissatisfaction and unhappiness, it helps when you fix all the little broken things -- one by one. All the little annoyances are suddenly gone and you are left with a simpler, more clear, and somewhat easier life than you had before. Now this presumes that there is not something totally terrible overshadowing a situation. And even when there is something huge causing issue, if all the little things are taken care of, then the impact of that big problem diminishes.

The second grand theory of which Times Square is an example is the fact that when you are a credible voice and you tell people something which seems to be logical and make sense, most people will actually believe it (whether or not it is actually true). When we said the neighborhood was great (and it wasn't quite great yet; it was better but not great), those we told said it was great. Now that's what they mean by buzz...

It's all very simple. And if it isn't that simple, don't tell me.

Videos for Today

Last night. Robert Plant & Alison Krauss at WaMu Theater... Amazing. The whole audience whispering "ah, ha, ah, ha". Mmmm...

It was perfect for my 30s. Here is what was perfect for my teens. The original...



And finally, the Battle of Evermore. Haunting and beautiful...

Spinning the Plate

I've always envisioned my life as a big square plate that balances on a point -- kind of like a circus performer's spinning plate that balances on a stick. On this "plate of life" (for lack of a better term), each of the four corners holds a portion of my life -- my love life, my family life, my friend life and my work life. For me to be comfortable and at peace, the weight on each corner of the plate needs to be evenly distributed -- or almost so. When one or more of those corners gets "overfilled" or "emptied" it makes the other parts of the plate flip up and my life becomes a bit of a mess. Over the past year, my plate has been bouncing around like an obese person's plate at an all-you-can-eat-joint. One minute my plate is full, the next minute it is empty. And when things are not properly balanced, then I have to work so very much harder to keep the plate spinning evenly. Even I, the overly-ambitious overachieving do-it-all, drop the plate once in a while. And damn it, I hate cleaning up the mess!

I'm currently in this atypical pattern of having so much richness in my friend portions, but starving in other portions -- meanwhile my family portion is constantly fluctuating and work, well work is work --there's always a lot of it piled up. I should be totally loving this time surrendering to a beautiful friendship and enjoying these unbelievable connections that I am making for the first time in my life. But after a joyful time with my friend when we can see into each others' soul, I come home and I am empty -- and sad. This is the first time in my adult life that I have been able to admit that I need more than the everyday routine. I have everything I thought I wanted in life -- everything that I expected for myself. The craziest thing is that I don't think all those things are what I ever really needed. I crave more, more, more from life!! And I don't want to feel guilty for wanting more -- needing more than I find behind my own front door. I want to find my bliss, my nirvana, find what I know to be my true self.

Every day, I want to try to do one small thing to satisfy this overwhelming desire I have to find me and become more me. Yet I still hold myself back from exploring this big fantastic world and the people in it. But why should I have to? I am an adult. I only live one life. And then what?? Ten years from now, will I still be in my same place, in my same situation, but bitter instead? No I will not let that happen. I need to be...authentically me.

My Love Affair With New York City

My love affair with New York City goes back as long as I can remember. Although I am a New Yorker -- born and bred -- I spent the majority of my childhood in Queens. But Manhattan was where I wanted to be. I can still smell the chestnuts when I would come out of the subway to go to Rockefeller Center. I remember the chaos/boredom of sitting in my father's car waiting for him to return from working at a job on the Upper East Side. I remember driving over the 59th Street bridge -- and it did look exactly like the intro to the tv show Taxi. I loved my City then, and I love it even more now.

For a long time, I've wanted to chronicle all of the neighborhoods in which I've had the opportunity to work or experience in some way. Each one has made a indelible imprint on my life. Actually, it's not exactly the neighborhood that has made the imprint -- it is the set of unique experiences I had in those neighborhoods that did that.

This may bore my few readers and by the time I'm done, it might get monotonous for them but this blog is actually for me, so here goes:

Battery Park City -- I loved this neighborhood long before people actually realized it was a neighborhood. Working there when I was 17 gave me my first independent experiences in New York City. I worked for the organization that managed the site and one of my monotonous jobs was to organize the photo library for the site. There is so much that can be learned from a few thousand photos. Anyway, I worked down there for three years and during that time my favorite place to be was in South Cove park. It was this beautiful haven that overlooked the harbor -- probably one of the most peaceful spots in all of New York City. At least, it was back then. It's crazy how a public park can give someone so much joy and contentment. The aesthetic of sea grasses combined with a little viewing bridge that mimicked the crown of the Statue of Liberty makes it one of my top 10 places in New York City.

Battery Park City is next to the World Trade Center site. And, yes, I walked through the World Trade Center every day on the way to and from work. I, too, felt at home in those towers and cried from the depths of my soul when the they fell in 20o1 -- more then 10 years after I left my job downtown. They were my towers in my City and then they were gone.

Upper West Side (West 80s) -- During my last year of high school, I was selected to participate in an internship program at which I worked at a place of business four days a week and on the fifth attended an enrichment seminar (I'll cover where I worked when I get to Hell's Kitchen). I had basically finished all of my high school requirements in my Junior year, so I had my Senior year available to take part in a cool program like this. Well, during that time, I was introduced to a college guidance program called Options based out of the Goddard Riverside Community Center in the West 80s. I fell in love with this neighborhood. I wanted to live in one of the beautiful houses on one of the blocks I walked down to get to Options. The houses were like the Huxtable's house on the Cosby show (that show was on the air at the time) -- and I wanted to live there. Well, fast forward 20 years, and I'm not there yet. Not sure if I ever will be. Maybe I'll take a walk there again soon. I wonder if it still looks the same.

To be continued...

The Chameleon

Every once in a while, I wonder who I really am. Doesn't everyone?

I feel like a chameleon. I blend into the background of where I am at any particular moment. I choose to show the real me only when I crave for what I really want or need. And then I step out from the camouflage, very carefully, letting myself be seen and be my most vulnerable. I don't do this often, but when I do, I am afraid I'll get eaten up. And sometimes, when I make myself vulnerable, I do get swallowed up. So I am very, very careful now. Maybe that's why I hide behind the disguises of who people think I am.

It's amazingly personal, yet I don't think I am alone in this. I can choose to be whomever I choose to be at any specific moment in time. My demeanor morphs so easily and willingly, while my soul really remains the same. Everyone knows only one or two pieces of me. I am...
a mother
a wife
a lover
a friend
a confidant
a daughter
a sister
a colleague
a business woman
a student
a teacher
an advocate
People see whatever they wish me to be at that very moment. And I only show them what I want them to see. I am Superman and Clark Kent -- Diana and Wonder Woman -- all at the same time.

No one really knows me. I'm not sure if I even know me. I get lost in all of the constant changing. Am I the sum of all my parts or just a collection of random identities?

I am truly a jack of all trades -- but am I a master of nothing? Or am I just a master at conforming to my surroundings and to the company at hand -- a skill suited to those who know how to survive. I know I am a survivor.