Fear

Fear is not real. It is fake. It is a lie.

In my opinion, fear is the root of despair. Fear leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to irrational behavior. Irrational behavior leads to bad situations and pain.

Sometimes, fear makes people not act. And sometimes fear makes people act badly. But when fear is in the way, eventually it's the person holding the fear who is damaged the most.

My friend told me fear is this thing...a thing out there that just hovers, a figment of one's imagination. It is created by one's own mind. So if it is a piece of one's imagination, then it can be stricken from one's mind as easily.

Now in some situations fear can protect us...a fear of falling or a fear of crashing or a fear of physically hurting ourselves can force us to wear a seat belt or a helmet or take other precautions so we don't suffer bodily harm.

But this is not the fear I am talking about. I'm talking about the fear that paralyzes us in our daily life. Fear of the unknown. Irrational fears. What's the worst that can happen? The worst is what we fear.

But often, if we can get past the fear and do what we need to do, the reality is different and far less severe. And if we have to deal with the repercussions of scary decisions, well, then so what! We have a choice, live with the pain of being in fear, or live with the result of our actions. One leads us nowhere, and the other could possibly lead to a better outcome.

So if you take fear out of the picture what is left? Only the actual choice of what to do next and the concrete results of those choices. That's all that's left.

Now, every bit of fear that I cast away is replaced by courage -- because courage is also another piece of my imagination that I choose to create. And I'd rather live by courage than by fear.

So now that I spat that all out, am I still afraid? Heck yeah! But decidedly less so.

I Changed My Mind

Well, I’m reading over my last blog entry all about friendship, and I’m realizing that I don’t think I really know what the heck I’m talking about. All this grandiose talk about friends and how to keep them and all that stuff…it’s all B.S. I mean, the ideas are nice, but reality is something else.

The night I wrote it, I was feeling all lovey dovey and just came off of a great event where I spent time with some awesome people. I had also recently made a couple of new friends and was enjoying the glow of that.  

But it’s all B.S., because no matter how I might want to believe this…I cannot predict the actions of other people, how they feel about me or anything else they do. I can only hope that if I put good out there, then good will come back to me. If they want to walk away from me, then what on earth can I do? Nothing.  

So, I revise my statement. Friendship is a crap shoot. You roll your best dice, put a lot of love into the roll….and maybe you’ll come out a winner. And then, maybe not. 

On Friends

Life is just a set of relationships linked together by love and trust. Real friendships are rare, unique. They are to be treasured and nurtured -- taken care of like a special delicate bird held gently in the palm of your hand. Calm care ensures the bird won't fly away. Trust ensures that if it does fly, it will fly back to you.

Time is needed in order to learn about the person you are opening your heart to. When time is not taken, one does not show their true reality. They show the outside, their shell, their public persona -- which is usually very different from the person inside. They may say "what you see is what you get" but it is never that simple. Only time allows you to see the truth. In time, someone's true nature will always be shown -- even if it is an ugly nature. And on the flp side, only time...and patience (of which I generally have so little)...will allow that breath of love travel back and forth between people.

And yes, I mean love - platonic love. People are always afraid to say they love someone else. And people are always afraid to be loved by someone else. But I put it out there. When I find someone worthy of my love and when they receive it with a calm heart, there is no greater joy. I save "like" for those that I see once in a while -- acquaintances, friends over dinners, good co-workers. But loving another human for exactly who they are -- no more and no less -- that is joyful. Truly.

I look back over the last few years. Years where I have met wonderful people, and years where I have been scalded by those I thought were friends. I see who has stuck by me. And it's just a few. But those few are the rare, special birds in my life. The people I seek new friendships with are unique and unusual. They are usually loners and may have overcome many obstacles. Their determination and celebration of life regardless of the situation thrills me and draws me in. If I can bring a sense of happiness and understanding to their life, and if they reciprocate, then I am peaceful.

I have never run with the pack. I have never been comfortable with a big group of "friends." I don't like to compete for attention or affection. I don't judge friends by what others say about them. I want to know someone one on one.

And when they finally unlock a piece of their heart, and offer the key to me, then I am moved. I am grateful and honored. That is like a jewel that has been entrusted to me. And then I am theirs. I will open myself to them. I will trust. I will love. Yes, it is a risk...but as they say, no risk, no reward.

I wish my friends peace tonight and whisper thanks to them for enriching my life.

38 Candles

38 candles
blinking, twinkling
fire hot
burning shorter
time racing by
summing up my life
my life in one moment
how have I gotten to where I am?

big teeth
smiling
make a wish, make a wish
flashes in my face
documenting the moment
the years pass before me
they don't understand
what I wish for

deep breaths
one more
and again
hold the smile
don't let them see
tears streaming down my face
blurring my vision
auras around the candles
hold them back

don't look at me
don't mind me
it's nothing
yes, I'm crying again
just another year
I don't know why
don't mind me

crying on the inside
I don't want to hear them
I don't want to be here
get me out of my body
take me where I want to be
why, five years in a row?
why can't I hold back tears?
I don't know why they even come

awwww…poor baby
what's the matter
it's just another birthday
I scream in my head
it's not just another birthday
you don't understand
I am not who you think I am
and another year has gone by

Breathing and being

So much of my life has been spent these last few months being introspective. Looking at where I am right now, trying to figure out where I'm going and where I want to be. I don't think it's such an unusual subject to think about. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I don't have expectations that I must accomplish something by a certain period of time. There's absolutely nothing I must do right now (aside, of course, from taking daily care of my children and earning a living). There are no specific goals that I'm "supposed" to reach. No house to buy, no car to save for, no children to create, no school to graduate, no exotic trip to plan. Nothing. There's just me. Sitting. Waiting. For something. For the next thing. But I'm a doer. I don't do sit and wait well at all.

So what does a doer like me do? I love to be in control of what is happening around me. I firmly believe that we all create our own destinies by the choices we make in life. I'm all about making choices and taking action.

But what do I do when I cannot do anything? When I must sit still? I was told many times when I was a child that I had "ants in my pants." Had keep moving...keep going...all the time. Keep me busy or I might get in trouble! I'm still like that, only now I have to keep myself busy doing, doing, doing, all the time.

I've been advised to breathe. Breathe. Like in yoga class. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Clear the mind, hear the breath. BE, just be. Now. In the moment. (Oops, Yoga class is over, time to DO again!)

OK, so I've decided to try it. Trying to just be. Letting myself feel the world around me and breathe. Trying to connect with people I want to connect with -- with no expectations but to learn and enjoy those connections. Sending and receiving energy. That's all.

You see, I'm learning that I cannot force myself to feel a certain way -- or make myself take action when I am not ready to take any action. I need hold in the reigns and to just observe right now. Observe whether I am out of breath, searching for breath or filled with air -- and what I am doing when I'm feeling each of those ways. Observe the energy I'm feeling when I am with people or learning about people. Am I feeling the chi? Or is there just vacant space?

I'm realizing that I like this side of me. The calm, contemplative and confident me. I like breathing and feeling and knowing what my heart is feeling. No pressure. No expectations. Just breathing and being...

Starstruck

The month of August has begun. Second half of the summer.

Last night I had an awesome experience. It was my concert event of the summer. Brandi Carlile in Lowell Massachusetts. I bought these tickets five months ago. There was eight hours of driving round trip. Three states. More than a tank of gas. Was it worth it? Oh my god. It was. (She's the artist that you click on the left side of my blog.)

I thought I would come to my blog and be able to write easily about this overwhelming experience. How I had two timeless hours, suspended by this woman's voice. But I couldn't seem to find the words I wanted to say. There are really no words for what I felt last night. Yes, I started to cry when she started singing (a la Beatles stepping off the plane, or a la little girl crying for Sanjaya). My friend and I talked about why is it seemingly socially unacceptable to be over 30 and to be a huge fan of a musician -- the type of fan who would cry like that. Why am I embarrassed to talk about the fact that I totally relate to this musician and that her music rocks me to the core? Yes, it seems a lot like the feelings of an adolescent. Maybe that's exactly it. Maybe I feel like an adolescent, because when I listen to her music, it takes me to somewhere I haven't been in a long, long time. It takes be back to a time when everything was easy and innocent. When you were supposed to be startstuck. But it's more than being starstruck, I think. I couldn't possibly have had this emotional connection to her music when I was a teenager. Then it was all about rock-n-roll and zebra striped spandex pants and big hair and not about songs that make my throat choke up and make my heart feel like it is about to jump out of my chest. And that happens because I am now mature enough to take the words of her songs to heart and to truly appreciate the strength of her voice and her ability to create beauty and to move people to cry like I do. I cry because I have lived a lot these last few years and now the words have the meaning that was intended. Isn't that the whole point?

At the end I almost died and went to heaven. The last announcement of the night was that Brandi was going to be signing autographs and meeting her fans after the show. I got on the long line, and didn't mind that it took forever to meet her, because she was graciously talking with her fans. (How many times have I made fun of people who wait in these long lines to meet stars?) Anyway, I met her and told her how my son and I sing her songs together, how her music has moved me and how I traveled so far to see her. She told me -- Come down to New York City on Wednesday...I'm going to be playing there at an event! I almost passed out. I was like YES, YES!!! And then, I realized no, no, no. I will be on a plane to Europe at the exact moment of that event. I have to admit, I am a little crushed. But hey, this is not supposed to be part of my real life, right? But it is.

I suppose this all will pass and I will look back and laugh at this little return to adolescence. I'll laugh at myself for standing in line to talk to my idol for a minute and for crying like a baby when the music started. Oh, but I will never forget the first of August.

Mouse on My Mind

July's word of the month: Mouse. Yes, mouse. I cannot escape the mouse anywhere I go.

During the day, he's hiding behind the door, waiting for me to turn the corner and leave him alone with that one little crust of bread. During the night, I know the mouse is there, snooping around, leaving his droppings in my toaster tray. He snubs me. He proves to me that I can't control him and I can't escape him. A drip of pancake batter forgotten on the stove -- it's his! A lone crumb -- his! The dog's bowl with delicious clean water -- his! After a week away, he leaves proof that he's been sitting on my bed, perhaps watching the country day go by, probably sipping iced tea or playing cards. How many tufts of steel wool can I stuff in the cracks? Or globs of expandable foam? He still gets in! I've seen him. He's a peculiar dark color and fast. OK, I know we're sharing a 60 year old country cabin that has been crooked for longer than it was straight. Maybe it's really his house, and he's perturbed that we're there now and we're not getting out! But my nemesis' time is about up. The trap is coming out next week. A little peanut butter, strategic placement, and snap!!!

During the week, it's the other mouse that is controlling my life. The giant mouse. The one I'm basing my future business on -- the one indomitable Mickey Mouse. How much can one possibly learn about visiting the mouse and the myriad of packages and up-sells available to enjoy the mouse? The list goes on and on. I got my graduation ears -- yes, ears! But unlike the other mouse, I love this one. This one is going to help seal my future.

So, I will let the mice continue to preoccupy me for now. At least they're not rats!