Sweet Scent of the Night

Sweet scent of the night
You came to me tonight
Intoxicating me with dreams of what could be

I cracked the window
Allowed you in
To drift past my cheeks and through my hair

You battled with the wind
Floated in between
The whipping gust intended to clear my head

And you lingered
And whispered to me
Your promises of flowers and fruit and sun

And you reminded me
Of my hope for tomorrow
Only possible after knowing the heat of yesterday

We hugged the turns
Sped through the dark night
While you became my nighttime confidant

Together for that moment
My silent companion
Dancing with me and making your promises

Now you come to tease
Each night as the earth sleeps.
And still pledge to me your promises of what will be

Sweet, sweet scent of the night

C Squared

Who: Christine and Christy...bff's (long before they actually called them that)
When: Day before 8th Grade graduation from Catholic School
What: Graduation Card
How: Found it while searching through an old musty box....

June 17, 1983
Dear Chickie,
Do you realize that we've been buddies for 4 years? That's such a long time! We've got more years ahead of us I know.
Thanks for everything you've done for me for all these years
I'll never forget 7th grade, watering the plants, and 8th grade!
Please remember me and keep in touch,
Love always,
Love & kisses & bunny hugs
Christy

We were the best of friends. We were so young...only 13...discovering boys, discovering ourselves, being as crazy and daring as 13 year olds could be. The two of us rode together on my old 10-speed bike...fast and uphill and between cars...with one person pedaling and the other sitting on the seat, legs dangling and holding on for dear life. We slept at each others houses, sharing our secrets, baring our souls. We did crafts, put on makeup. We produced plays together (yes, it's true but that's another story). We tried cigarettes. We even smoked tea...yes, Lipton tea...rolled in looseleaf. We were boy crazy together. We were free.

We lost touch in high school...each one of us got wrapped up in our own school lives, busying ourselves with new experiences, new friends. Then came college, then came careers and loves and family ups and downs. There was no argument that separated us...or any major cataclysmic event...we just drifted slowly apart...pulled away from each other by the tides of our own lives. But in my mind, the summer of 1983 was the very best summer EVER! It was my most happy, my most carefree. And Christy and I shared it together.

I thought about Christy many times over the years. Wondered where she had gone, how she had turned out. I even Googled her a few years ago...but she had changed her name, I recently learned, and searches for her came up almost empty.

Then came Facebook! I searched for her brother, then found her mother, and then I saw her! It had to be her...She changed her name, but it looked like her. It was her! It was really her!

She and her boyfriend were producers of an off off Broadway theatrical production, and I decided to go at the last minute...to it's last performance on the last night. I saw her before she saw me...fiddling with the video camera she was attending to. Tears came immediately to my eyes. I became 13 again...and THERE was my best friend! When she saw me tears came to hers as well.

It turns out that both of us had searched for each other and come up empty over the years. But it didn't matter. It was 26 years later, and it was still us. And if I must say so myself, we look pretty darn good.

And Christy is now back in my life. We went to dinner and talked for five hours (to the chagrin of the restaurant I'm sure). And she is still as kind and graceful and loving as she ever was. We welcomed each other back into our lives. She has come back into my life at a time when I couldn't have needed someone more. And I am so, so, so grateful for that.

Fear

Fear is not real. It is fake. It is a lie.

In my opinion, fear is the root of despair. Fear leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to irrational behavior. Irrational behavior leads to bad situations and pain.

Sometimes, fear makes people not act. And sometimes fear makes people act badly. But when fear is in the way, eventually it's the person holding the fear who is damaged the most.

My friend told me fear is this thing...a thing out there that just hovers, a figment of one's imagination. It is created by one's own mind. So if it is a piece of one's imagination, then it can be stricken from one's mind as easily.

Now in some situations fear can protect us...a fear of falling or a fear of crashing or a fear of physically hurting ourselves can force us to wear a seat belt or a helmet or take other precautions so we don't suffer bodily harm.

But this is not the fear I am talking about. I'm talking about the fear that paralyzes us in our daily life. Fear of the unknown. Irrational fears. What's the worst that can happen? The worst is what we fear.

But often, if we can get past the fear and do what we need to do, the reality is different and far less severe. And if we have to deal with the repercussions of scary decisions, well, then so what! We have a choice, live with the pain of being in fear, or live with the result of our actions. One leads us nowhere, and the other could possibly lead to a better outcome.

So if you take fear out of the picture what is left? Only the actual choice of what to do next and the concrete results of those choices. That's all that's left.

Now, every bit of fear that I cast away is replaced by courage -- because courage is also another piece of my imagination that I choose to create. And I'd rather live by courage than by fear.

So now that I spat that all out, am I still afraid? Heck yeah! But decidedly less so.

I Changed My Mind

Well, I’m reading over my last blog entry all about friendship, and I’m realizing that I don’t think I really know what the heck I’m talking about. All this grandiose talk about friends and how to keep them and all that stuff…it’s all B.S. I mean, the ideas are nice, but reality is something else.

The night I wrote it, I was feeling all lovey dovey and just came off of a great event where I spent time with some awesome people. I had also recently made a couple of new friends and was enjoying the glow of that.  

But it’s all B.S., because no matter how I might want to believe this…I cannot predict the actions of other people, how they feel about me or anything else they do. I can only hope that if I put good out there, then good will come back to me. If they want to walk away from me, then what on earth can I do? Nothing.  

So, I revise my statement. Friendship is a crap shoot. You roll your best dice, put a lot of love into the roll….and maybe you’ll come out a winner. And then, maybe not. 

On Friends

Life is just a set of relationships linked together by love and trust. Real friendships are rare, unique. They are to be treasured and nurtured -- taken care of like a special delicate bird held gently in the palm of your hand. Calm care ensures the bird won't fly away. Trust ensures that if it does fly, it will fly back to you.

Time is needed in order to learn about the person you are opening your heart to. When time is not taken, one does not show their true reality. They show the outside, their shell, their public persona -- which is usually very different from the person inside. They may say "what you see is what you get" but it is never that simple. Only time allows you to see the truth. In time, someone's true nature will always be shown -- even if it is an ugly nature. And on the flp side, only time...and patience (of which I generally have so little)...will allow that breath of love travel back and forth between people.

And yes, I mean love - platonic love. People are always afraid to say they love someone else. And people are always afraid to be loved by someone else. But I put it out there. When I find someone worthy of my love and when they receive it with a calm heart, there is no greater joy. I save "like" for those that I see once in a while -- acquaintances, friends over dinners, good co-workers. But loving another human for exactly who they are -- no more and no less -- that is joyful. Truly.

I look back over the last few years. Years where I have met wonderful people, and years where I have been scalded by those I thought were friends. I see who has stuck by me. And it's just a few. But those few are the rare, special birds in my life. The people I seek new friendships with are unique and unusual. They are usually loners and may have overcome many obstacles. Their determination and celebration of life regardless of the situation thrills me and draws me in. If I can bring a sense of happiness and understanding to their life, and if they reciprocate, then I am peaceful.

I have never run with the pack. I have never been comfortable with a big group of "friends." I don't like to compete for attention or affection. I don't judge friends by what others say about them. I want to know someone one on one.

And when they finally unlock a piece of their heart, and offer the key to me, then I am moved. I am grateful and honored. That is like a jewel that has been entrusted to me. And then I am theirs. I will open myself to them. I will trust. I will love. Yes, it is a risk...but as they say, no risk, no reward.

I wish my friends peace tonight and whisper thanks to them for enriching my life.

38 Candles

38 candles
blinking, twinkling
fire hot
burning shorter
time racing by
summing up my life
my life in one moment
how have I gotten to where I am?

big teeth
smiling
make a wish, make a wish
flashes in my face
documenting the moment
the years pass before me
they don't understand
what I wish for

deep breaths
one more
and again
hold the smile
don't let them see
tears streaming down my face
blurring my vision
auras around the candles
hold them back

don't look at me
don't mind me
it's nothing
yes, I'm crying again
just another year
I don't know why
don't mind me

crying on the inside
I don't want to hear them
I don't want to be here
get me out of my body
take me where I want to be
why, five years in a row?
why can't I hold back tears?
I don't know why they even come

awwww…poor baby
what's the matter
it's just another birthday
I scream in my head
it's not just another birthday
you don't understand
I am not who you think I am
and another year has gone by

Breathing and being

So much of my life has been spent these last few months being introspective. Looking at where I am right now, trying to figure out where I'm going and where I want to be. I don't think it's such an unusual subject to think about. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I don't have expectations that I must accomplish something by a certain period of time. There's absolutely nothing I must do right now (aside, of course, from taking daily care of my children and earning a living). There are no specific goals that I'm "supposed" to reach. No house to buy, no car to save for, no children to create, no school to graduate, no exotic trip to plan. Nothing. There's just me. Sitting. Waiting. For something. For the next thing. But I'm a doer. I don't do sit and wait well at all.

So what does a doer like me do? I love to be in control of what is happening around me. I firmly believe that we all create our own destinies by the choices we make in life. I'm all about making choices and taking action.

But what do I do when I cannot do anything? When I must sit still? I was told many times when I was a child that I had "ants in my pants." Had keep moving...keep going...all the time. Keep me busy or I might get in trouble! I'm still like that, only now I have to keep myself busy doing, doing, doing, all the time.

I've been advised to breathe. Breathe. Like in yoga class. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Clear the mind, hear the breath. BE, just be. Now. In the moment. (Oops, Yoga class is over, time to DO again!)

OK, so I've decided to try it. Trying to just be. Letting myself feel the world around me and breathe. Trying to connect with people I want to connect with -- with no expectations but to learn and enjoy those connections. Sending and receiving energy. That's all.

You see, I'm learning that I cannot force myself to feel a certain way -- or make myself take action when I am not ready to take any action. I need hold in the reigns and to just observe right now. Observe whether I am out of breath, searching for breath or filled with air -- and what I am doing when I'm feeling each of those ways. Observe the energy I'm feeling when I am with people or learning about people. Am I feeling the chi? Or is there just vacant space?

I'm realizing that I like this side of me. The calm, contemplative and confident me. I like breathing and feeling and knowing what my heart is feeling. No pressure. No expectations. Just breathing and being...