Every once in a while, I wonder who I really am. Doesn't everyone?
I feel like a chameleon. I blend into the background of where I am at any particular moment. I choose to show the real me only when I crave for what I really want or need. And then I step out from the camouflage, very carefully, letting myself be seen and be my most vulnerable. I don't do this often, but when I do, I am afraid I'll get eaten up. And sometimes, when I make myself vulnerable, I do get swallowed up. So I am very, very careful now. Maybe that's why I hide behind the disguises of who people think I am.
It's amazingly personal, yet I don't think I am alone in this. I can choose to be whomever I choose to be at any specific moment in time. My demeanor morphs so easily and willingly, while my soul really remains the same. Everyone knows only one or two pieces of me. I am...
a mother
a wife
a lover
a friend
a confidant
a daughter
a sister
a colleague
a business woman
a student
a teacher
an advocate
People see whatever they wish me to be at that very moment. And I only show them what I want them to see. I am Superman and Clark Kent -- Diana and Wonder Woman -- all at the same time.
No one really knows me. I'm not sure if I even know me. I get lost in all of the constant changing. Am I the sum of all my parts or just a collection of random identities?
I am truly a jack of all trades -- but am I a master of nothing? Or am I just a master at conforming to my surroundings and to the company at hand -- a skill suited to those who know how to survive. I know I am a survivor.
99 Days 'til I run that darned ING NYC Marathon...
13 years ago
3 comments:
I think that in reality we are not that difficult to figure out. Sometimes we could be shocked how easily somebody would describe us in a few simple words. Maybe it is the hardest to do for ourselves. See yourself for who you really are. Too scary to face the reality. Easier to hide behind an illusion of many faces instead of dealing with petty little me... Maybe it just feels good to be so sophisticated, it makes us stand out, even if in our own mind only. And if you make a mistake you can always blame "the other me" for that. Or the difficulty in coping with all the other "mes" in general. I'm not criticizing you here, rather myself. You know me well enough to tell that I do something similar.
Influenced by my cultural anthro class I must say I see some of syncretism and compartmentalization here. Many of our "faces", experiences, attitudes that we have lived through, interpenetrated to form a kind of one big, a little fucked up, agglomerate. But I believe that there are a few elements that we keep carefully enclosed, secured, preserved... now, to get to this core would probably mean discoverig the essence of one's identity. But who would dare or even just take the effort to go there? I don't think we can ever know ourselves completely. I keep surprising myself. Both in a positive and negative way. And this is the true delight in getting to know some people - discovering new things about them, seeing how they evolve and how they shape the world around them. This is how in one short comment I managed to contradict myself. What a philosopher! I think I have been getting a little too morose and bitter in my writing lately. Maybe this is the only place I can do that almost without consequences, letting myself be one, letting one of "mes" take over, the one that is not the the best to flaut in public. I just hope I won't scare away a few of my friends that are devoted and patient enough to read it...
This is why I like you so much Eva. You are one of the very few people I know who can actually use the word "agglomerate" in a sentence -- and have it make sense.
Seriously, though, I think for me it's more about the fact that I know which of the "me's" is most authentically me, but that authentic "me" doesn't necessarily match the roles I have to play and the people with whom I deal day in and day out. I know which of my faces is kept secured and away from most eyes. Then, of course, we are always changing as people. We are not the same people we were ten years ago, or five years ago or even one year ago. I don't feel bound to have to be what I was then or feel the way I felt then.
The truth is that many people don't like themselves and try to pretend to be someone that they're not. (Like you said, it's easier to hide behind an illusion of a different face.) Ironically, I, on the other hand, genuinely like the person I think I am. I don't think that's too egotistical to say -- knowing, of course, that there are certain things about myself I don't particularly love and wouldn't mind changing. But in general I want to become more of who I am. I do like myself, but I don't feel like people get me or understand the nature of my confidence. Or when I do show them the best "me" I can be, they think I'm maybe overly confident -- or dare I say arrogant? I think I might just be intimidating to some people. So I end up dulling my personality so I don't make them feel insecure. I don't mean to be patronizing, but I never want to offend anyone -- and my critics have always told me that I can be arrogant. So when I find friends who I think really understand me and don't feel insecure with me, then it's really, really wonderful. I feel that when we talk. You "get" me, I think. I don't want to have to pretend to be weak and powerless so others can feel more secure around me.
Even though I feel pretty content with who I am, you know that everything in my life is not all sunshine and roses. But I have always been an optimist. For the most part, I try and see the best side of life even when things are screwed up. I don't feel powerless. In my heart, I am confident in the fact that I know that I have the power to change what I have to -- to do exactly what I need for me and my family. I think THAT may be too much for people to handle.
People see whatever they wish me to be at that very moment. And I see only show them what I want to them I am Superman and Clark Kent -- Diana and Wonder Woman -- all at the same time.
No one really knows me. I'm not sure if I even know me. I get lost in all of the constant changing. Am I the sum of all my parts or just a collection of random identities?
Oh, I think all those things make you creatively you, but maybe there is so much yet to be discovered because so much has been asleep or maybe never awakened. You only live life once and you have to discover the most important to love and be loved or you miss out on the real passion on life. That is what connects all the other pieces together.
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