I've always envisioned my life as a big square plate that balances on a point -- kind of like a circus performer's spinning plate that balances on a stick. On this "plate of life" (for lack of a better term), each of the four corners holds a portion of my life -- my love life, my family life, my friend life and my work life. For me to be comfortable and at peace, the weight on each corner of the plate needs to be evenly distributed -- or almost so. When one or more of those corners gets "overfilled" or "emptied" it makes the other parts of the plate flip up and my life becomes a bit of a mess. Over the past year, my plate has been bouncing around like an obese person's plate at an all-you-can-eat-joint. One minute my plate is full, the next minute it is empty. And when things are not properly balanced, then I have to work so very much harder to keep the plate spinning evenly. Even I, the overly-ambitious overachieving do-it-all, drop the plate once in a while. And damn it, I hate cleaning up the mess!
I'm currently in this atypical pattern of having so much richness in my friend portions, but starving in other portions -- meanwhile my family portion is constantly fluctuating and work, well work is work --there's always a lot of it piled up. I should be totally loving this time surrendering to a beautiful friendship and enjoying these unbelievable connections that I am making for the first time in my life. But after a joyful time with my friend when we can see into each others' soul, I come home and I am empty -- and sad. This is the first time in my adult life that I have been able to admit that I need more than the everyday routine. I have everything I thought I wanted in life -- everything that I expected for myself. The craziest thing is that I don't think all those things are what I ever really needed. I crave more, more, more from life!! And I don't want to feel guilty for wanting more -- needing more than I find behind my own front door. I want to find my bliss, my nirvana, find what I know to be my true self.
Every day, I want to try to do one small thing to satisfy this overwhelming desire I have to find me and become more me. Yet I still hold myself back from exploring this big fantastic world and the people in it. But why should I have to? I am an adult. I only live one life. And then what?? Ten years from now, will I still be in my same place, in my same situation, but bitter instead? No I will not let that happen. I need to be...authentically me.
99 Days 'til I run that darned ING NYC Marathon...
13 years ago
2 comments:
The more I think about balance and bliss the more I am sure it is simply impossible to achieve, at least not as a permanent condition. It may be this lack that drives people to search, act, and create so maybe it is not such a bad thing? I know how it feels, I hate all these deficits and empty spaces that cannot be filled.
However, I think for both of us it would be quite helpful to get real and start appreciating what we have - I cannot believe I said that, such a platitude... But I am so afraid that we are going to go blind in this quest for 'getting it all' and be left with nothing...
Well, I certainly try to be appreciative of who and what I have. And for the most part, I have been thankful. Lord knows I have 20 years invested in the life I have. But I think the day I stop searching for more in my life - whether it be adventure, new experiences, relationships or whatever -- will be the day I die. I always thought that "when this happens" and "when that happens" then I would be satisfied. Well "this" happened and "that" happened and I am not satisfied. And I think that will always be true. I will reach for things, experience them and then find that I need the next chapter -- as you said, balance and bliss is not a permanent condition. Yes, I am thankful but I will not sit here and rot being the happy housewife. I don't have the time to do that. OK maybe I'm overreacting.
I have always had the outlook that this world is so large and amazing and filled with things and people that are just waiting for me to discover them. I guess the point is that I am not going to sit quietly and be unhappy and rot. Will I risk everything for my quest? Definitely not. I am not a good gambler. But will I stop searching? No.
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