So much of my life has been spent these last few months being introspective. Looking at where I am right now, trying to figure out where I'm going and where I want to be. I don't think it's such an unusual subject to think about. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I don't have expectations that I must accomplish something by a certain period of time. There's absolutely nothing I must do right now (aside, of course, from taking daily care of my children and earning a living). There are no specific goals that I'm "supposed" to reach. No house to buy, no car to save for, no children to create, no school to graduate, no exotic trip to plan. Nothing. There's just me. Sitting. Waiting. For something. For the next thing. But I'm a doer. I don't do sit and wait well at all.
So what does a doer like me do? I love to be in control of what is happening around me. I firmly believe that we all create our own destinies by the choices we make in life. I'm all about making choices and taking action.
But what do I do when I cannot do anything? When I must sit still? I was told many times when I was a child that I had "ants in my pants." Had keep moving...keep going...all the time. Keep me busy or I might get in trouble! I'm still like that, only now I have to keep myself busy doing, doing, doing, all the time.
I've been advised to breathe. Breathe. Like in yoga class. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Clear the mind, hear the breath. BE, just be. Now. In the moment. (Oops, Yoga class is over, time to DO again!)
OK, so I've decided to try it. Trying to just be. Letting myself feel the world around me and breathe. Trying to connect with people I want to connect with -- with no expectations but to learn and enjoy those connections. Sending and receiving energy. That's all.
You see, I'm learning that I cannot force myself to feel a certain way -- or make myself take action when I am not ready to take any action. I need hold in the reigns and to just observe right now. Observe whether I am out of breath, searching for breath or filled with air -- and what I am doing when I'm feeling each of those ways. Observe the energy I'm feeling when I am with people or learning about people. Am I feeling the chi? Or is there just vacant space?
I'm realizing that I like this side of me. The calm, contemplative and confident me. I like breathing and feeling and knowing what my heart is feeling. No pressure. No expectations. Just breathing and being...
