Ocean Dance

Come with me
to the seaside
Dance with me
on the shore

Under our feet feel the fine grains of sand
formed centuries ago

Our feet touch the sand together and
leave imprints of a dance

Two sets of prints merge together
under, over, circles in the sand
It is no longer clear where your footprints begin and mine end

Follow me into the ocean
Feel the water rush up to meet us
Come, come! Swim in my depths!
I have been waiting for you, she says

Feel the currents pushing and pulling us together
We ride the swells
Each of us jump and turn to face the oncoming waves headfirst
letting the waters rush over us again and again
And when the wave passes you are there, right there, holding my hands
tasting the salt on my lips
the salt of the ocean that has been there for an eternity and will continue to be so

We turn to the shore and watch the waves crashing upon it
The tide rushes up and threatens to change the shoreline as we knew it, altering the landscape

But when the winds die down, and the tide goes low
It is still the same beach, only more beautiful than ever before
Sand smooth again, waiting
ready
for our footprints and
for our dance to continue
making spirals together in the sand

Reflections and Gratitude

Today is the last day of my 30s. Tomorrow I will be 40 and will start my fifth decade. Amazing how fast this all goes. Makes me reflect on my life thus far. Did I do what I thought I would do? What have I created? How have I changed the world? And how have I improved the world? What gifts have I received? Who have I loved? Who has loved me? If today were the last day of my life, what kind of obit would be written about me? What would God say to me at the pearly gates? Maybe he'd say...."She was a good woman. She did her best. She loved as much as she could and moved through fear as best as she could. She tried to bring happiness to all who were part of her life. She lived without regrets. She's done a fine job with her children. Yup, let her in..." Ha!

So, what's different about this birthday than all of my other ones? Well, I if I had to see how I am different, I guess I would have to say that these days I see the world though a slightly different lens....a lens I never really thought much about. And that lens is gratitude.

Living day by day on my normal path has been fine, but now I wake up every single morning and feel a sense of amazing gratitude for all I have been blessed with -- every person, every tangible thing, every experience, every moment I am given on this earth. I am thankful that my children climb on me and hug and kiss me and say "I love you Mommy". I am grateful that I have beautiful, awesome love in my life. I am thankful for family that has been there by my side to support me and for my friends who have listened and held my hand through the hard times. I am grateful that I have very good health -- physical, emotional and spiritual. I am thankful to be able to work from home, working on projects I love and dealing with fascinating people. I am thankful for the things I have that make my life easier and more fun.

I am equally grateful for the tremendous challenges I have been handed...especially these last few years...because I have found that I really do have the courage and the integrity and the will to move through these difficulties and come out nothing less than a better and more complete person.

And most of all I am thankful that I have made the conscious decision to live my life in the most authentic way that I know how. I will leave no stone unturned. I choose to say YES to life and never live with regrets. I will live with love guiding my way. There is no fear that I cannot move through anymore. I hold the keys to my happiness, my success, and everything good in my life, because I make my reality. Knowing that I have that awesome ability right within me makes me stronger and stronger and gives me the ability to love others around me even more....and yes, it makes me even more grateful than I thought possible. The wheel continues to turn....love, challenge, strength, resolve, gratitude, peace...around and around. How wonderful is that?

40s....here I come!!

Sweet Scent of the Night

Sweet scent of the night
You came to me tonight
Intoxicating me with dreams of what could be

I cracked the window
Allowed you in
To drift past my cheeks and through my hair

You battled with the wind
Floated in between
The whipping gust intended to clear my head

And you lingered
And whispered to me
Your promises of flowers and fruit and sun

And you reminded me
Of my hope for tomorrow
Only possible after knowing the heat of yesterday

We hugged the turns
Sped through the dark night
While you became my nighttime confidant

Together for that moment
My silent companion
Dancing with me and making your promises

Now you come to tease
Each night as the earth sleeps.
And still pledge to me your promises of what will be

Sweet, sweet scent of the night

C Squared

Who: Christine and Christy...bff's (long before they actually called them that)
When: Day before 8th Grade graduation from Catholic School
What: Graduation Card
How: Found it while searching through an old musty box....

June 17, 1983
Dear Chickie,
Do you realize that we've been buddies for 4 years? That's such a long time! We've got more years ahead of us I know.
Thanks for everything you've done for me for all these years
I'll never forget 7th grade, watering the plants, and 8th grade!
Please remember me and keep in touch,
Love always,
Love & kisses & bunny hugs
Christy

We were the best of friends. We were so young...only 13...discovering boys, discovering ourselves, being as crazy and daring as 13 year olds could be. The two of us rode together on my old 10-speed bike...fast and uphill and between cars...with one person pedaling and the other sitting on the seat, legs dangling and holding on for dear life. We slept at each others houses, sharing our secrets, baring our souls. We did crafts, put on makeup. We produced plays together (yes, it's true but that's another story). We tried cigarettes. We even smoked tea...yes, Lipton tea...rolled in looseleaf. We were boy crazy together. We were free.

We lost touch in high school...each one of us got wrapped up in our own school lives, busying ourselves with new experiences, new friends. Then came college, then came careers and loves and family ups and downs. There was no argument that separated us...or any major cataclysmic event...we just drifted slowly apart...pulled away from each other by the tides of our own lives. But in my mind, the summer of 1983 was the very best summer EVER! It was my most happy, my most carefree. And Christy and I shared it together.

I thought about Christy many times over the years. Wondered where she had gone, how she had turned out. I even Googled her a few years ago...but she had changed her name, I recently learned, and searches for her came up almost empty.

Then came Facebook! I searched for her brother, then found her mother, and then I saw her! It had to be her...She changed her name, but it looked like her. It was her! It was really her!

She and her boyfriend were producers of an off off Broadway theatrical production, and I decided to go at the last minute...to it's last performance on the last night. I saw her before she saw me...fiddling with the video camera she was attending to. Tears came immediately to my eyes. I became 13 again...and THERE was my best friend! When she saw me tears came to hers as well.

It turns out that both of us had searched for each other and come up empty over the years. But it didn't matter. It was 26 years later, and it was still us. And if I must say so myself, we look pretty darn good.

And Christy is now back in my life. We went to dinner and talked for five hours (to the chagrin of the restaurant I'm sure). And she is still as kind and graceful and loving as she ever was. We welcomed each other back into our lives. She has come back into my life at a time when I couldn't have needed someone more. And I am so, so, so grateful for that.

Fear

Fear is not real. It is fake. It is a lie.

In my opinion, fear is the root of despair. Fear leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to irrational behavior. Irrational behavior leads to bad situations and pain.

Sometimes, fear makes people not act. And sometimes fear makes people act badly. But when fear is in the way, eventually it's the person holding the fear who is damaged the most.

My friend told me fear is this thing...a thing out there that just hovers, a figment of one's imagination. It is created by one's own mind. So if it is a piece of one's imagination, then it can be stricken from one's mind as easily.

Now in some situations fear can protect us...a fear of falling or a fear of crashing or a fear of physically hurting ourselves can force us to wear a seat belt or a helmet or take other precautions so we don't suffer bodily harm.

But this is not the fear I am talking about. I'm talking about the fear that paralyzes us in our daily life. Fear of the unknown. Irrational fears. What's the worst that can happen? The worst is what we fear.

But often, if we can get past the fear and do what we need to do, the reality is different and far less severe. And if we have to deal with the repercussions of scary decisions, well, then so what! We have a choice, live with the pain of being in fear, or live with the result of our actions. One leads us nowhere, and the other could possibly lead to a better outcome.

So if you take fear out of the picture what is left? Only the actual choice of what to do next and the concrete results of those choices. That's all that's left.

Now, every bit of fear that I cast away is replaced by courage -- because courage is also another piece of my imagination that I choose to create. And I'd rather live by courage than by fear.

So now that I spat that all out, am I still afraid? Heck yeah! But decidedly less so.